My Adventures In: Mother Knows Best

I am mother. . .I am a good mother.
Not because I do the right things or never mistakes. Not because I have all the answers. Not because I always know what is going on in their heads or automatically know which friends are ok and and which aren’t…

But because I don’t. And because I know that.

My children didn’t come with an owners manual. I get to guess. I get to make mistakes and screw up and I get to apologize. I get to make decisions that no one but me will ever. . . EVER. . .understand. And I get to say “I appreciate what you think I should do, but I have to go with my gut on this.”

During the previously mentioned horrible incident, someone undermined me as a parent and put my child in danger. They don’t and probably won’t understand what they did or how they did it…regardless of it being explained repeatedly. . .which actually concerns me doubly. It means, in my opinion, that they are a further danger to my child, and could, without thought, do it again.

This person and others are also frequently a source of problems and discontentment within my family. Talking badly about me to my daughter, telling her what a bad job I do as a mother, telling her that I don’t love her or deserve her. . .and frankly. . .I’m done. They have attacked me verbally and told me that I don’t have the right to butt my nose in to their relationship with my daughter. That I should LET them talk to her alone, while my daughter has asked that I do it with her so she doesn’t feel cornered or manipulated. I have been told that not allowing them to be a part of my child’s life would hurt her. . .I am coming to a point where I disagree. Whole-heartedly!

I have thought about sharing this with people individually in email or text or in person. But I have decided they are far to arrogant to listen. So I won’t even waste my breath. . .or typing. . .or whatever.

My children are my children. They were given to me by whatever higher power you believe in. Whether you like it or not, they are my responsibility. I am legally required to feed them, clothe them, house them, discipline them without violence and ensure that they make it to school. I am morally obligated to ensure that they feel safe, that they are healthy, that they understand human sexuality and that they behave like good people. There are no laws about how many times I move, what brand or type of clothes I put on them, what chores they are or are not supposed to do around the house, which family members or friends they are allowed to see/talk to/ visit. There are no laws about how many jobs I am allowed to have in a year, how many boyfriends I can have in their life time, or how much stuff outside of basic needs I have to buy them. Those things are up to me to figure out. If I had my choice they would have most everything they wanted and everything they needed in excess. I would not work and always be home for them any moment that they needed me. In the interim, I do what I can. You can either respect that or go away. It truly is THAT simple.

I don’t care what you think of me. I don’t care to know your opinion about how I raise my children, unless I ask for it. I don’t give a crap how good a job you think I am /am not doing. You over estimate my opinion of you. You are A. not the parent of a teenage girl and B. far from perfect in your own parenting. I am DYING for the day when your child reaches a few different ages, so that I can watch you use your own advice. . .and find it really is pretty horrible. Know this however: I will never speak to your child in the way you have spoken to mine. I will never tell your child the things I know about you and your life decisions that your child should not know. As deeply as I dislike you right this minute, I will never turn you away when you need help. More than any other thing. . . I will NEVER EVER manipulate your child to my own end. . .because quite honestly. . .

I am a much better person than you.

Regardless of what you think. And THAT really is enough for me.

So, I am standing up for myself now. My biggest mistakes were not those you listed but rather that in the name of peace, I allowed things to continue without realizing the damage it was doing to my children. When it all came down to it, other people have caused my daughter a great deal of distress about her appearance, weight, abilities, strengths and weaknesses. Other people have caused a rift in the relationship that she and I have as mother and daughter, that although quickly repaired over common cause, will never ever ever ever happen again. . .

For those of you who want to be a part of my life AND the lives of my children (they are synonymous) know the following. . .

…I am the mother.
This means I decide where my children live
Where they go to school
Who they see, talk to, hang out with, ride in a car with, have slumber parties with
If they have a dog, cat, pig, monkey or antelope
If they are allowed to say curse words and which ones
Which, and how many, chores they will do
Whether or not they are ALLOWED to babysit for you, cut your grass, water your flowers, house sit or any other random help they may provide
I decide if you are allowed to call them, text them, email them, or even write them letters
I have the right to read every communication, sit through every discussion, and be present for every activity they participate in
I can follow them to and from and all around school

And there is not a GOD DAMN THING you can do about it.

You will not undermine my decisions as a parent
You will not talk badly to my children about me or any other human being
You will not lie to me about what you are doing or where you are going with my children
You will not tell my children anything about me or my life or past choices that I have not expressly allowed you to tell them
You will not talk badly to my children about their abilities, choices or activites

Or you will NOT be allowed a place in their lives. It IS that simple.

If you don’t like where we are in life or how I have chosen to do things, TO BAD. If you think they should have better clothing, buy it. If you think they should have a better home, pay the rent. If you think they need more things, buy them. I do what I can do, without training, without help, without child support. Your responsibility as a part of our lives is to support a strong mother/child relationship. Help out to ensure I am able to provide all my kids need, if you can. Listen to them when they need you to, and encourage positive decisions. Encourage them to be open, stand up for themselves, study and get good grades. Otherwise, we have no use for you.

We are a family and always will be. I am responsible for these children. Everything that happens to them and every decision they make is my responsibility. I don’t need control. . .I have control. Because I am the mother. You all, however, have the privilege of being part of our lives. . . respect it or it will be revoked.

PERIOD.

My Adventures in: Incredible Human Beings

Yesterday... was scary as hell...

...I had a terrifying situation that I had to deal with... one I hope never to have again.

I looked for help, because I COULD NOT do it alone. I needed people I loved to come together for me and my family.

And they did.

Every single human being that i loved and counted on provided the love and support that we needed to take care of the problem and come together. I know I have said it in the past but. . .

I LOVE INCREDIBLE
BEAUTIFUL
GOOD HEARTED
AMAZING
WONDERFUL
UNDERSTANDING
HOPEFUL
PEOPLE. . .

I am so blessed that they have chosen to be a part of our lives.
I am so blessed that they love me and my children so. . .damn. . . unbelievably. . . much...

And I learned a bit of humility... I don't always know peoples motivations...or reasons...and I get to stop being assumptive...I get to allow the people I truly trust to rely on that trust.

I also get to allow my daughter to be 13... I have not located a magic spell to turn her back into my baby girl... who just comes to tell me where it hurts... I get to be open with her and I get to hear her and understand that she is learning how to handle adult emotions and adult feelings...and I get to love her for the beautiful young woman she is...
and she IS
She is. . .SO INCREDIBLY...BEAUTIFUL. . .AND AMAZING. . .AND UNBELIEVABLY BRILLIANT! And I get to stop trying to turn her back into my little girl...she deserves that... and I am proud... of me and of her. . .

and I AM the luckiest woman on the planet. . .

. . .Just in case I forgot to mention that.. .

My adventures in: The AddictionThing

Sooooooooo. . .I have a baby sister. She's not a baby. . .she has kids that aren't even babies anymore. . .but she IS ...MY baby sister.

I like her.

I didn't always like her.

We didn't get along real well before...not while we were kids and not for about ten years. . .

. . .because that was when it got her too.

Addiction.

Damn she was a fighter. And one hell of a strong girl. She used to arm wrestle my boyfriends. . .and win. She could kick my ass. She could be mean! ha ha. . .she was a middle child. . . she was quiet. . .she was pretty funny. . .she went through what I went through too. . .

It snuck up on her. It took over her life and it took over her personality and her kids and her dog and her cooking and her laughter and her loving and her heart and her soul. . .and I admit now. . .I thought it would never let go. . . and I was scared a little that she lost her strong too somehow.

Then...one month ago she just stopped.

Yep.

She was done.

She decided she didn't want to be numb and disconnected anymore.

And I am so freakin proud! I am so amazed at her strength and her power...and this time. . .it does not get to win. It was for her. . .the reason she did it. . . but it was an incredible gift to me as a side effect. I have faith again. I thought this disease. . . this addiction took everyone it touched to the depths of some horrible place. . .and now I feel like. . .

It
does
NOT
always
get
to
win. . .

. . .and that is a good thing cause we MISSED her. . .and she is a beautiful and funny and strong and amazing and inspiring woman. . .and the world is blessed by her just being in it. . .and now it will have a chance to see that. . .

. . .did I mention I am proud. . .

. . .Cause I am. . . So very very. . .