I am one of those people.
The ones who will tell you
"Everything happens for a reason"
"We all have a purpose"
"The Universe and/or God will give you what you need and can handle"
"You have the power to create both positive and negative things in your life"
"Hope and Faith are as important and Air and Water"
Soooooo if "those people" bother you. . . stop reading now. . .seriously.
I KNOW...without a doubt...that I am meant to do something important. Something huge. Something that will better the lives of hundreds if not THOUSANDS of people...
I know that a huge part of that was/is my responsibility and purpose as a parent. If you know my children, you know. . . they will BOTH do INCREDIBLE things in their lives...
But I, ME, I am supposed to do something. I know it. I FEEL it. So........
.....I have to find/make the time to see it through.
I am overwhelmed. I need help.
Don't die of shock....
I CANNOT do this alone. Help....please....
But...I need to count on you...if you have a bit of time to help me create an incredible organization, even an hour...or an hour a day... don't tell me you'll help if you'll let me down please. Even if you will just TELL people. Let them know about us.
I cannot pay you...but I can promise you from the bottom of my heart...it WILL be worth it...
Monday, November 9, 2009
Thursday, October 22, 2009
My Adventures In: Missing him. . .
Three years ago on October 18th my biological father passed away. It was tough, we had spent a good amount of time together. We had things to work out. He had lied about how sick he was cause he didn't want me to worry. . .or anyone to for that matter.
It was a sad, hard day.
I wrote this just before he died and posted it on an old blog on the night he passed. I have been trying to figure out for a few weeks how to honor him and this anniversary. This is what I choose. . .
I miss you Daddy. . .I'm sorry we didn't have the time we needed...and that you didn't get to see how beautifully and brilliantly my children have grown. Thank you for those last few months, and for the honesty. I love you.
October 18th, 2006
My Dad is gone. He died this evening. You don't have to care. . .this isn't for you, it's for me. I don't know what to do. . .really. I feel empty and I feel sad and I do not feel like I thought I would. I do not feel like I said I would in the post previous. . . I miss him, already. And I am angry a little inside because he abandoned me. . .this last time. It hurts when you realize your parents are not invincable. I wrote this a little while back. . .and I find it appropriate. If you are wondering. . .I did get a chance. . .I did tell him. . .
My Dad is dying. He will always be dying, even if this cancer isn't what does it. He is alive and that is killing him. And living is killing me too. I am very suddenly aware of death. I am aware of aging and of the end and I am uncomfortable. I found the thing that makes me his, his daughter and his partial protégé. He is Peter Pan in cowboy boots. My father will never grow up. I used to think this was his flaw and now I wonder. It is funny that I took it with me, I missed all the stories and time and father-daughter things and yet I walked away with his desire to be a child forever. He is worried, he is doing chemo and it will ravage his body, but the first and only thing he said is "I will probably be bald when you see me next". His hair, that is what scares him, that is my Peter Pans weakness. When I was a child I wanted to grow up so much and I despised his flighty behavior and now I want nothing more than to be a rock star and make my Peter Pan proud.
He asked me to move close to him, he said he needs me. I am needed and I am still afraid. I want to go there and be near him and my fear of growing down still haunts me just a little. He sells things, he colored his own website where people can buy things that help them stay young. Like a little Neverland supply source. You go there to make your own costume, and people do it. Not enough for him, he needs more, but they do it. He wants everyone to stay young and play rock star and I find myself proud of him, as silly as he can be I hope he is successful. I need to give him something, some part of me to help him understand. I want for him to know that even while I was angry I still loved him. No matter how much my life went on I dreamed of Peter Pan and all the love I knew he had for me.
He gave me a jar once. He filled it with dozens and dozens of silver dollars and half dollars. It was really quite a feat. He really worked very hard at collecting them all. When I spent it all on candy he was delighted, my Peter Pan.
He stopped in on my life from time to time, always bringing Neverland with him. There were Christmas surprises from a man I barely new, who had the biggest piece of my heart. I dreamed sometimes, little dreams that children have, that one day he would fly away without letting go of my hand. That he would teach me how to never grow old. Everytime his fingers slipped from mine I let myself grow angry, it was a wicked bitterness that I could not be him or love him, not completely.
It's funny that I let him fuel me. I wonder if I grew up just to spite him. Maybe if I grew up he would come in and try to save me. I had my own Hook, a man with so much anger. My Dad would come and save me. I remember long nights and long fights when he would tell Hook that no matter what he did, he couldn't have me. He made me proud. He made me strong. He gave me little things that kept his place in my heart even when he left a vacancy in my life.
My Peter Pan wore black. It makes it easier to escape I think. He used to sing and those melodies still jump into my mind from time to time. They paint pictures still of beautiful women and love. I thought he was a God, I had no clue that he too had weaknesses. Funny, but I never thought for one minute that it was a choice. I never thought he left me behind on purpose. It always seemed to be a power other than his or mine that kept him. Now he stays in one place, out of dust perhaps. Maybe it is the cancer that has taken his ability to fly. I know for sure that it is not age. Nothing could age my Peter Pan, not even time. I just hope I have time, just a little, to resolve my childish anger and face the man whom I adored. I hope that I have a moment of absolute clarity, where I see him as I did at three, when he gave me the art set and inspired me to paint my own world and ignore little things like life and time and fear. I hope that that clarity comes before I cannot thank him, from the bottom of my heart, for the little bit of dust he left for me but never taught me how to use. I hope I can show him that I can grow younger, that I have not given up my childish wonderment. I hope that he will smile and call me sweetheart, and know way down that I forgive him and I love him, and even with time and loss I will never forget my Peter Pan.
Goodbye, Dad. I love you. . .always have. . .and you will be missed.
Amy
It was a sad, hard day.
I wrote this just before he died and posted it on an old blog on the night he passed. I have been trying to figure out for a few weeks how to honor him and this anniversary. This is what I choose. . .
I miss you Daddy. . .I'm sorry we didn't have the time we needed...and that you didn't get to see how beautifully and brilliantly my children have grown. Thank you for those last few months, and for the honesty. I love you.
October 18th, 2006
My Dad is gone. He died this evening. You don't have to care. . .this isn't for you, it's for me. I don't know what to do. . .really. I feel empty and I feel sad and I do not feel like I thought I would. I do not feel like I said I would in the post previous. . . I miss him, already. And I am angry a little inside because he abandoned me. . .this last time. It hurts when you realize your parents are not invincable. I wrote this a little while back. . .and I find it appropriate. If you are wondering. . .I did get a chance. . .I did tell him. . .
My Dad is dying. He will always be dying, even if this cancer isn't what does it. He is alive and that is killing him. And living is killing me too. I am very suddenly aware of death. I am aware of aging and of the end and I am uncomfortable. I found the thing that makes me his, his daughter and his partial protégé. He is Peter Pan in cowboy boots. My father will never grow up. I used to think this was his flaw and now I wonder. It is funny that I took it with me, I missed all the stories and time and father-daughter things and yet I walked away with his desire to be a child forever. He is worried, he is doing chemo and it will ravage his body, but the first and only thing he said is "I will probably be bald when you see me next". His hair, that is what scares him, that is my Peter Pans weakness. When I was a child I wanted to grow up so much and I despised his flighty behavior and now I want nothing more than to be a rock star and make my Peter Pan proud.
He asked me to move close to him, he said he needs me. I am needed and I am still afraid. I want to go there and be near him and my fear of growing down still haunts me just a little. He sells things, he colored his own website where people can buy things that help them stay young. Like a little Neverland supply source. You go there to make your own costume, and people do it. Not enough for him, he needs more, but they do it. He wants everyone to stay young and play rock star and I find myself proud of him, as silly as he can be I hope he is successful. I need to give him something, some part of me to help him understand. I want for him to know that even while I was angry I still loved him. No matter how much my life went on I dreamed of Peter Pan and all the love I knew he had for me.
He gave me a jar once. He filled it with dozens and dozens of silver dollars and half dollars. It was really quite a feat. He really worked very hard at collecting them all. When I spent it all on candy he was delighted, my Peter Pan.
He stopped in on my life from time to time, always bringing Neverland with him. There were Christmas surprises from a man I barely new, who had the biggest piece of my heart. I dreamed sometimes, little dreams that children have, that one day he would fly away without letting go of my hand. That he would teach me how to never grow old. Everytime his fingers slipped from mine I let myself grow angry, it was a wicked bitterness that I could not be him or love him, not completely.
It's funny that I let him fuel me. I wonder if I grew up just to spite him. Maybe if I grew up he would come in and try to save me. I had my own Hook, a man with so much anger. My Dad would come and save me. I remember long nights and long fights when he would tell Hook that no matter what he did, he couldn't have me. He made me proud. He made me strong. He gave me little things that kept his place in my heart even when he left a vacancy in my life.
My Peter Pan wore black. It makes it easier to escape I think. He used to sing and those melodies still jump into my mind from time to time. They paint pictures still of beautiful women and love. I thought he was a God, I had no clue that he too had weaknesses. Funny, but I never thought for one minute that it was a choice. I never thought he left me behind on purpose. It always seemed to be a power other than his or mine that kept him. Now he stays in one place, out of dust perhaps. Maybe it is the cancer that has taken his ability to fly. I know for sure that it is not age. Nothing could age my Peter Pan, not even time. I just hope I have time, just a little, to resolve my childish anger and face the man whom I adored. I hope that I have a moment of absolute clarity, where I see him as I did at three, when he gave me the art set and inspired me to paint my own world and ignore little things like life and time and fear. I hope that that clarity comes before I cannot thank him, from the bottom of my heart, for the little bit of dust he left for me but never taught me how to use. I hope I can show him that I can grow younger, that I have not given up my childish wonderment. I hope that he will smile and call me sweetheart, and know way down that I forgive him and I love him, and even with time and loss I will never forget my Peter Pan.
Goodbye, Dad. I love you. . .always have. . .and you will be missed.
Amy
Friday, October 9, 2009
My Adventures In: Mobile Blogging
Yep. . .now I can post as often as I want. . .cause I can use my phone.
. . So when I'm bored. . .or when I feel rant ish. . .it's on! Ha ha
. . So when I'm bored. . .or when I feel rant ish. . .it's on! Ha ha
Sooooo. . .here goes. . .
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
My Adventures In: Mother STILL knows best.
READER: Do me a favor, read this. At the bottom there are a couple questions.Go to the bottom where there is a comment box, (or a link that says "__Comments", click on that to get to the comment box.) Leave a comment, I need your feedback. (And, if you know names or details, PLEASE DON'T share them.)
Here we are again.
Only this time I am going to be much more blunt...
I KNOW! You're asking how I could possibly be more blunt than last time! . . .Me too. . .
If you are reading this, you are a friend or a loved one and I trust you. . .or you wouldn't be able to read it... OR you're one of the problems.
SO. . .
To my daughter I say "Sorry Kiddo, I need some feedback"
To my Village I say "Hey, You think this'll do it?"
And to the IDIOTS who couldn't read the first blog about this, I say in smaller words "Find some thing to do with your time that does not have any thing to do with my children and I" If that doesn't make sense maybe you shouldn't be using a computer. . .
If I sound a little angry or rude. . .I'm pretty pissed off. . .so, sorry. . .I'm usually better behaved than this. . .butttttttttt. . .I'm done.
FIRST:
If you want to give me advice about parenting you must:
1.Be older than me
OR
2.Have a child older than both or either of mine(depending on which you are giving your opinion on)(NOTE:If this is the case, your child should also be a fairly decent, reasonable and well behaved human being.)
OR
3.Have some kind of education in Counseling, Child Rearing, or Psychology
ADDITIONALLY
I must like you enough to want to hear you talk about ANYTHING, you can see how that works. . .
AND
You should be well educated and lack ignorance...
SECOND:
Here are the rules:
1.You will NOT talk badly to my children about people including their MOTHER, AUNTS, UNCLES, GRANDPARENTS, FRIENDS, or STRANGERS who are different weights, races, religions etc.
2.If you are asked by one of my children to stop talking badly about someone or something, YOU MUST RESPECT THEM AND STOP.
3.When you invite them to do something, you need to follow through. If plans change you should talk to them and let them decide if they still want to participate.
4.When you talk to my children you WILL be encouraging, positive, and open minded. You will not tell them they are not capable of doing things, but rather encourage different, positive options instead.
5.You will respect their individuality and understand that how they wear their hair, clothes, make up, their weight, music, movies, television shows, and books are a part of who they choose to be;as long as it is not unsafe.
6.You will not interfere in, negate or talk badly to my children about my parenting. You will not lie to me or deceive me about where my children are, where they go, who they are with or who they talk to. You will not encourage my children to lie to me or deceive me.
7.You will not encourage my children to speak to ANY adult with disrespect INCLUDING telling them to "Shut up", Quit bossing them around or "Go Home To Mommy" (Just want to be 100% clear here, these are real life examples of things grown adults recommended to my daughter as things she should say to other adults; thankfully she is more intelligent than those adults and has not opted to use these phrases).
YOU WILL:
*Encourage a good relationship between my children and their parents.
*Speak to them with respect
*Speak about others around them with respect
*Encourage my children to talk to their parents about problems they are having, things they disagree with, or situations that make them uncomfortable.
*COME TO ME IMMEDIATELY with any unsafe secrets, regardless of promises they made you keep.
If you cannot do these things you will not be in contact with my children. Not by phone, email, text message, in person, or by carrier pigeon. REGARDLESS of who you are, how important you are to them, or how important they are to you.
If you truly cared about them, their well-being and their happiness. . .I WOULDN'T EVEN HAVE TO SAY ANY OF THIS!!! You would already KNOW it.
AND not only am I legally, morally and spiritually ALLOWED to do this; but if I didn't, THEN I would be neglecting the welfare of my children.
OH! And if you find yourself with a little give on my end, you may not want to step right in and break the rules again. Not only do you look like a moron, but it won't be so easy next time.
SO, my questions to you folks are as follows:
1.Do I have the right to keep my children from people, regardless of their relationship to my children, if the rules are broken?
2.Are any of the rules things people should really need to be TOLD? Or would you consider them common sense?
3.Are any of the things that I have said in this post or in the other (My adventures in:Mother Knows Best)out of line, uncalled for, or unreasonable?
4.If these things were happening to you(cause I wouldn't have to write a rule if it weren't a problem),or if you knew someone who was breaking the rules with someone else's children, what would you do?
Feel free to add anything else you like, even if you disagree with me. I don't think I could hear worse than the string of ignorant insults I got the last time.
Here we are again.
Only this time I am going to be much more blunt...
I KNOW! You're asking how I could possibly be more blunt than last time! . . .Me too. . .
If you are reading this, you are a friend or a loved one and I trust you. . .or you wouldn't be able to read it... OR you're one of the problems.
SO. . .
To my daughter I say "Sorry Kiddo, I need some feedback"
To my Village I say "Hey, You think this'll do it?"
And to the IDIOTS who couldn't read the first blog about this, I say in smaller words "Find some thing to do with your time that does not have any thing to do with my children and I" If that doesn't make sense maybe you shouldn't be using a computer. . .
If I sound a little angry or rude. . .I'm pretty pissed off. . .so, sorry. . .I'm usually better behaved than this. . .butttttttttt. . .I'm done.
FIRST:
If you want to give me advice about parenting you must:
1.Be older than me
OR
2.Have a child older than both or either of mine(depending on which you are giving your opinion on)(NOTE:If this is the case, your child should also be a fairly decent, reasonable and well behaved human being.)
OR
3.Have some kind of education in Counseling, Child Rearing, or Psychology
ADDITIONALLY
I must like you enough to want to hear you talk about ANYTHING, you can see how that works. . .
AND
You should be well educated and lack ignorance...
SECOND:
Here are the rules:
1.You will NOT talk badly to my children about people including their MOTHER, AUNTS, UNCLES, GRANDPARENTS, FRIENDS, or STRANGERS who are different weights, races, religions etc.
2.If you are asked by one of my children to stop talking badly about someone or something, YOU MUST RESPECT THEM AND STOP.
3.When you invite them to do something, you need to follow through. If plans change you should talk to them and let them decide if they still want to participate.
4.When you talk to my children you WILL be encouraging, positive, and open minded. You will not tell them they are not capable of doing things, but rather encourage different, positive options instead.
5.You will respect their individuality and understand that how they wear their hair, clothes, make up, their weight, music, movies, television shows, and books are a part of who they choose to be;as long as it is not unsafe.
6.You will not interfere in, negate or talk badly to my children about my parenting. You will not lie to me or deceive me about where my children are, where they go, who they are with or who they talk to. You will not encourage my children to lie to me or deceive me.
7.You will not encourage my children to speak to ANY adult with disrespect INCLUDING telling them to "Shut up", Quit bossing them around or "Go Home To Mommy" (Just want to be 100% clear here, these are real life examples of things grown adults recommended to my daughter as things she should say to other adults; thankfully she is more intelligent than those adults and has not opted to use these phrases).
YOU WILL:
*Encourage a good relationship between my children and their parents.
*Speak to them with respect
*Speak about others around them with respect
*Encourage my children to talk to their parents about problems they are having, things they disagree with, or situations that make them uncomfortable.
*COME TO ME IMMEDIATELY with any unsafe secrets, regardless of promises they made you keep.
If you cannot do these things you will not be in contact with my children. Not by phone, email, text message, in person, or by carrier pigeon. REGARDLESS of who you are, how important you are to them, or how important they are to you.
If you truly cared about them, their well-being and their happiness. . .I WOULDN'T EVEN HAVE TO SAY ANY OF THIS!!! You would already KNOW it.
AND not only am I legally, morally and spiritually ALLOWED to do this; but if I didn't, THEN I would be neglecting the welfare of my children.
OH! And if you find yourself with a little give on my end, you may not want to step right in and break the rules again. Not only do you look like a moron, but it won't be so easy next time.
SO, my questions to you folks are as follows:
1.Do I have the right to keep my children from people, regardless of their relationship to my children, if the rules are broken?
2.Are any of the rules things people should really need to be TOLD? Or would you consider them common sense?
3.Are any of the things that I have said in this post or in the other (My adventures in:Mother Knows Best)out of line, uncalled for, or unreasonable?
4.If these things were happening to you(cause I wouldn't have to write a rule if it weren't a problem),or if you knew someone who was breaking the rules with someone else's children, what would you do?
Feel free to add anything else you like, even if you disagree with me. I don't think I could hear worse than the string of ignorant insults I got the last time.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
My Adventures In: Death
I suck at death.
Seriously.
I especially suck when others are dealing with death. . .
. . .I don't know what to do or say. I want to tear out the pain and I know I can't so I just. . .act weird. . .
I have lost so many people and friends. . .I hate how it feels and the empty that never goes away when you say their name. . .or see a picture. . .or when someone laughs like them or smells like them. . .
I don't think I am scared of dying. . . I am more afraid of losing people. It seems so random and unfair. . .
. . .and I don't need comments about how it's better and how happy they are. . .I get that. . .I'm selfish I guess!
And I don't like the people I love being in pain either. . .so death and I. . .we have an issue. . .
For those of you who are so alive and wonderfully apart of my life. . .I love you! And if you slip away. . .know that. . .know that I will miss you immensely. . .
. . .and when you check on me. . .know that me falling apart is how I deal. . .and go peacefully to what ever is next. . .I have the others and they will help me get put back together again. . .just like each time before. . .
Seriously.
I especially suck when others are dealing with death. . .
. . .I don't know what to do or say. I want to tear out the pain and I know I can't so I just. . .act weird. . .
I have lost so many people and friends. . .I hate how it feels and the empty that never goes away when you say their name. . .or see a picture. . .or when someone laughs like them or smells like them. . .
I don't think I am scared of dying. . . I am more afraid of losing people. It seems so random and unfair. . .
. . .and I don't need comments about how it's better and how happy they are. . .I get that. . .I'm selfish I guess!
And I don't like the people I love being in pain either. . .so death and I. . .we have an issue. . .
For those of you who are so alive and wonderfully apart of my life. . .I love you! And if you slip away. . .know that. . .know that I will miss you immensely. . .
. . .and when you check on me. . .know that me falling apart is how I deal. . .and go peacefully to what ever is next. . .I have the others and they will help me get put back together again. . .just like each time before. . .
Monday, April 20, 2009
My Adventures In: Mother Knows Best
I am mother. . .I am a good mother.
Not because I do the right things or never mistakes. Not because I have all the answers. Not because I always know what is going on in their heads or automatically know which friends are ok and and which aren’t…
But because I don’t. And because I know that.
My children didn’t come with an owners manual. I get to guess. I get to make mistakes and screw up and I get to apologize. I get to make decisions that no one but me will ever. . . EVER. . .understand. And I get to say “I appreciate what you think I should do, but I have to go with my gut on this.”
During the previously mentioned horrible incident, someone undermined me as a parent and put my child in danger. They don’t and probably won’t understand what they did or how they did it…regardless of it being explained repeatedly. . .which actually concerns me doubly. It means, in my opinion, that they are a further danger to my child, and could, without thought, do it again.
This person and others are also frequently a source of problems and discontentment within my family. Talking badly about me to my daughter, telling her what a bad job I do as a mother, telling her that I don’t love her or deserve her. . .and frankly. . .I’m done. They have attacked me verbally and told me that I don’t have the right to butt my nose in to their relationship with my daughter. That I should LET them talk to her alone, while my daughter has asked that I do it with her so she doesn’t feel cornered or manipulated. I have been told that not allowing them to be a part of my child’s life would hurt her. . .I am coming to a point where I disagree. Whole-heartedly!
I have thought about sharing this with people individually in email or text or in person. But I have decided they are far to arrogant to listen. So I won’t even waste my breath. . .or typing. . .or whatever.
My children are my children. They were given to me by whatever higher power you believe in. Whether you like it or not, they are my responsibility. I am legally required to feed them, clothe them, house them, discipline them without violence and ensure that they make it to school. I am morally obligated to ensure that they feel safe, that they are healthy, that they understand human sexuality and that they behave like good people. There are no laws about how many times I move, what brand or type of clothes I put on them, what chores they are or are not supposed to do around the house, which family members or friends they are allowed to see/talk to/ visit. There are no laws about how many jobs I am allowed to have in a year, how many boyfriends I can have in their life time, or how much stuff outside of basic needs I have to buy them. Those things are up to me to figure out. If I had my choice they would have most everything they wanted and everything they needed in excess. I would not work and always be home for them any moment that they needed me. In the interim, I do what I can. You can either respect that or go away. It truly is THAT simple.
I don’t care what you think of me. I don’t care to know your opinion about how I raise my children, unless I ask for it. I don’t give a crap how good a job you think I am /am not doing. You over estimate my opinion of you. You are A. not the parent of a teenage girl and B. far from perfect in your own parenting. I am DYING for the day when your child reaches a few different ages, so that I can watch you use your own advice. . .and find it really is pretty horrible. Know this however: I will never speak to your child in the way you have spoken to mine. I will never tell your child the things I know about you and your life decisions that your child should not know. As deeply as I dislike you right this minute, I will never turn you away when you need help. More than any other thing. . . I will NEVER EVER manipulate your child to my own end. . .because quite honestly. . .
I am a much better person than you.
Regardless of what you think. And THAT really is enough for me.
So, I am standing up for myself now. My biggest mistakes were not those you listed but rather that in the name of peace, I allowed things to continue without realizing the damage it was doing to my children. When it all came down to it, other people have caused my daughter a great deal of distress about her appearance, weight, abilities, strengths and weaknesses. Other people have caused a rift in the relationship that she and I have as mother and daughter, that although quickly repaired over common cause, will never ever ever ever happen again. . .
For those of you who want to be a part of my life AND the lives of my children (they are synonymous) know the following. . .
…I am the mother.
This means I decide where my children live
Where they go to school
Who they see, talk to, hang out with, ride in a car with, have slumber parties with
If they have a dog, cat, pig, monkey or antelope
If they are allowed to say curse words and which ones
Which, and how many, chores they will do
Whether or not they are ALLOWED to babysit for you, cut your grass, water your flowers, house sit or any other random help they may provide
I decide if you are allowed to call them, text them, email them, or even write them letters
I have the right to read every communication, sit through every discussion, and be present for every activity they participate in
I can follow them to and from and all around school
And there is not a GOD DAMN THING you can do about it.
You will not undermine my decisions as a parent
You will not talk badly to my children about me or any other human being
You will not lie to me about what you are doing or where you are going with my children
You will not tell my children anything about me or my life or past choices that I have not expressly allowed you to tell them
You will not talk badly to my children about their abilities, choices or activites
Or you will NOT be allowed a place in their lives. It IS that simple.
If you don’t like where we are in life or how I have chosen to do things, TO BAD. If you think they should have better clothing, buy it. If you think they should have a better home, pay the rent. If you think they need more things, buy them. I do what I can do, without training, without help, without child support. Your responsibility as a part of our lives is to support a strong mother/child relationship. Help out to ensure I am able to provide all my kids need, if you can. Listen to them when they need you to, and encourage positive decisions. Encourage them to be open, stand up for themselves, study and get good grades. Otherwise, we have no use for you.
We are a family and always will be. I am responsible for these children. Everything that happens to them and every decision they make is my responsibility. I don’t need control. . .I have control. Because I am the mother. You all, however, have the privilege of being part of our lives. . . respect it or it will be revoked.
PERIOD.
Not because I do the right things or never mistakes. Not because I have all the answers. Not because I always know what is going on in their heads or automatically know which friends are ok and and which aren’t…
But because I don’t. And because I know that.
My children didn’t come with an owners manual. I get to guess. I get to make mistakes and screw up and I get to apologize. I get to make decisions that no one but me will ever. . . EVER. . .understand. And I get to say “I appreciate what you think I should do, but I have to go with my gut on this.”
During the previously mentioned horrible incident, someone undermined me as a parent and put my child in danger. They don’t and probably won’t understand what they did or how they did it…regardless of it being explained repeatedly. . .which actually concerns me doubly. It means, in my opinion, that they are a further danger to my child, and could, without thought, do it again.
This person and others are also frequently a source of problems and discontentment within my family. Talking badly about me to my daughter, telling her what a bad job I do as a mother, telling her that I don’t love her or deserve her. . .and frankly. . .I’m done. They have attacked me verbally and told me that I don’t have the right to butt my nose in to their relationship with my daughter. That I should LET them talk to her alone, while my daughter has asked that I do it with her so she doesn’t feel cornered or manipulated. I have been told that not allowing them to be a part of my child’s life would hurt her. . .I am coming to a point where I disagree. Whole-heartedly!
I have thought about sharing this with people individually in email or text or in person. But I have decided they are far to arrogant to listen. So I won’t even waste my breath. . .or typing. . .or whatever.
My children are my children. They were given to me by whatever higher power you believe in. Whether you like it or not, they are my responsibility. I am legally required to feed them, clothe them, house them, discipline them without violence and ensure that they make it to school. I am morally obligated to ensure that they feel safe, that they are healthy, that they understand human sexuality and that they behave like good people. There are no laws about how many times I move, what brand or type of clothes I put on them, what chores they are or are not supposed to do around the house, which family members or friends they are allowed to see/talk to/ visit. There are no laws about how many jobs I am allowed to have in a year, how many boyfriends I can have in their life time, or how much stuff outside of basic needs I have to buy them. Those things are up to me to figure out. If I had my choice they would have most everything they wanted and everything they needed in excess. I would not work and always be home for them any moment that they needed me. In the interim, I do what I can. You can either respect that or go away. It truly is THAT simple.
I don’t care what you think of me. I don’t care to know your opinion about how I raise my children, unless I ask for it. I don’t give a crap how good a job you think I am /am not doing. You over estimate my opinion of you. You are A. not the parent of a teenage girl and B. far from perfect in your own parenting. I am DYING for the day when your child reaches a few different ages, so that I can watch you use your own advice. . .and find it really is pretty horrible. Know this however: I will never speak to your child in the way you have spoken to mine. I will never tell your child the things I know about you and your life decisions that your child should not know. As deeply as I dislike you right this minute, I will never turn you away when you need help. More than any other thing. . . I will NEVER EVER manipulate your child to my own end. . .because quite honestly. . .
I am a much better person than you.
Regardless of what you think. And THAT really is enough for me.
So, I am standing up for myself now. My biggest mistakes were not those you listed but rather that in the name of peace, I allowed things to continue without realizing the damage it was doing to my children. When it all came down to it, other people have caused my daughter a great deal of distress about her appearance, weight, abilities, strengths and weaknesses. Other people have caused a rift in the relationship that she and I have as mother and daughter, that although quickly repaired over common cause, will never ever ever ever happen again. . .
For those of you who want to be a part of my life AND the lives of my children (they are synonymous) know the following. . .
…I am the mother.
This means I decide where my children live
Where they go to school
Who they see, talk to, hang out with, ride in a car with, have slumber parties with
If they have a dog, cat, pig, monkey or antelope
If they are allowed to say curse words and which ones
Which, and how many, chores they will do
Whether or not they are ALLOWED to babysit for you, cut your grass, water your flowers, house sit or any other random help they may provide
I decide if you are allowed to call them, text them, email them, or even write them letters
I have the right to read every communication, sit through every discussion, and be present for every activity they participate in
I can follow them to and from and all around school
And there is not a GOD DAMN THING you can do about it.
You will not undermine my decisions as a parent
You will not talk badly to my children about me or any other human being
You will not lie to me about what you are doing or where you are going with my children
You will not tell my children anything about me or my life or past choices that I have not expressly allowed you to tell them
You will not talk badly to my children about their abilities, choices or activites
Or you will NOT be allowed a place in their lives. It IS that simple.
If you don’t like where we are in life or how I have chosen to do things, TO BAD. If you think they should have better clothing, buy it. If you think they should have a better home, pay the rent. If you think they need more things, buy them. I do what I can do, without training, without help, without child support. Your responsibility as a part of our lives is to support a strong mother/child relationship. Help out to ensure I am able to provide all my kids need, if you can. Listen to them when they need you to, and encourage positive decisions. Encourage them to be open, stand up for themselves, study and get good grades. Otherwise, we have no use for you.
We are a family and always will be. I am responsible for these children. Everything that happens to them and every decision they make is my responsibility. I don’t need control. . .I have control. Because I am the mother. You all, however, have the privilege of being part of our lives. . . respect it or it will be revoked.
PERIOD.
Saturday, April 18, 2009
My Adventures in: Incredible Human Beings
Yesterday... was scary as hell...
...I had a terrifying situation that I had to deal with... one I hope never to have again.
I looked for help, because I COULD NOT do it alone. I needed people I loved to come together for me and my family.
And they did.
Every single human being that i loved and counted on provided the love and support that we needed to take care of the problem and come together. I know I have said it in the past but. . .
I LOVE INCREDIBLE
BEAUTIFUL
GOOD HEARTED
AMAZING
WONDERFUL
UNDERSTANDING
HOPEFUL
PEOPLE. . .
I am so blessed that they have chosen to be a part of our lives.
I am so blessed that they love me and my children so. . .damn. . . unbelievably. . . much...
And I learned a bit of humility... I don't always know peoples motivations...or reasons...and I get to stop being assumptive...I get to allow the people I truly trust to rely on that trust.
I also get to allow my daughter to be 13... I have not located a magic spell to turn her back into my baby girl... who just comes to tell me where it hurts... I get to be open with her and I get to hear her and understand that she is learning how to handle adult emotions and adult feelings...and I get to love her for the beautiful young woman she is...
and she IS
She is. . .SO INCREDIBLY...BEAUTIFUL. . .AND AMAZING. . .AND UNBELIEVABLY BRILLIANT! And I get to stop trying to turn her back into my little girl...she deserves that... and I am proud... of me and of her. . .
and I AM the luckiest woman on the planet. . .
. . .Just in case I forgot to mention that.. .
...I had a terrifying situation that I had to deal with... one I hope never to have again.
I looked for help, because I COULD NOT do it alone. I needed people I loved to come together for me and my family.
And they did.
Every single human being that i loved and counted on provided the love and support that we needed to take care of the problem and come together. I know I have said it in the past but. . .
I LOVE INCREDIBLE
BEAUTIFUL
GOOD HEARTED
AMAZING
WONDERFUL
UNDERSTANDING
HOPEFUL
PEOPLE. . .
I am so blessed that they have chosen to be a part of our lives.
I am so blessed that they love me and my children so. . .damn. . . unbelievably. . . much...
And I learned a bit of humility... I don't always know peoples motivations...or reasons...and I get to stop being assumptive...I get to allow the people I truly trust to rely on that trust.
I also get to allow my daughter to be 13... I have not located a magic spell to turn her back into my baby girl... who just comes to tell me where it hurts... I get to be open with her and I get to hear her and understand that she is learning how to handle adult emotions and adult feelings...and I get to love her for the beautiful young woman she is...
and she IS
She is. . .SO INCREDIBLY...BEAUTIFUL. . .AND AMAZING. . .AND UNBELIEVABLY BRILLIANT! And I get to stop trying to turn her back into my little girl...she deserves that... and I am proud... of me and of her. . .
and I AM the luckiest woman on the planet. . .
. . .Just in case I forgot to mention that.. .
Monday, April 6, 2009
My adventures in: The AddictionThing
Sooooooooo. . .I have a baby sister. She's not a baby. . .she has kids that aren't even babies anymore. . .but she IS ...MY baby sister.
I like her.
I didn't always like her.
We didn't get along real well before...not while we were kids and not for about ten years. . .
. . .because that was when it got her too.
Addiction.
Damn she was a fighter. And one hell of a strong girl. She used to arm wrestle my boyfriends. . .and win. She could kick my ass. She could be mean! ha ha. . .she was a middle child. . . she was quiet. . .she was pretty funny. . .she went through what I went through too. . .
It snuck up on her. It took over her life and it took over her personality and her kids and her dog and her cooking and her laughter and her loving and her heart and her soul. . .and I admit now. . .I thought it would never let go. . . and I was scared a little that she lost her strong too somehow.
Then...one month ago she just stopped.
Yep.
She was done.
She decided she didn't want to be numb and disconnected anymore.
And I am so freakin proud! I am so amazed at her strength and her power...and this time. . .it does not get to win. It was for her. . .the reason she did it. . . but it was an incredible gift to me as a side effect. I have faith again. I thought this disease. . . this addiction took everyone it touched to the depths of some horrible place. . .and now I feel like. . .
It
does
NOT
always
get
to
win. . .
. . .and that is a good thing cause we MISSED her. . .and she is a beautiful and funny and strong and amazing and inspiring woman. . .and the world is blessed by her just being in it. . .and now it will have a chance to see that. . .
. . .did I mention I am proud. . .
. . .Cause I am. . . So very very. . .
I like her.
I didn't always like her.
We didn't get along real well before...not while we were kids and not for about ten years. . .
. . .because that was when it got her too.
Addiction.
Damn she was a fighter. And one hell of a strong girl. She used to arm wrestle my boyfriends. . .and win. She could kick my ass. She could be mean! ha ha. . .she was a middle child. . . she was quiet. . .she was pretty funny. . .she went through what I went through too. . .
It snuck up on her. It took over her life and it took over her personality and her kids and her dog and her cooking and her laughter and her loving and her heart and her soul. . .and I admit now. . .I thought it would never let go. . . and I was scared a little that she lost her strong too somehow.
Then...one month ago she just stopped.
Yep.
She was done.
She decided she didn't want to be numb and disconnected anymore.
And I am so freakin proud! I am so amazed at her strength and her power...and this time. . .it does not get to win. It was for her. . .the reason she did it. . . but it was an incredible gift to me as a side effect. I have faith again. I thought this disease. . . this addiction took everyone it touched to the depths of some horrible place. . .and now I feel like. . .
It
does
NOT
always
get
to
win. . .
. . .and that is a good thing cause we MISSED her. . .and she is a beautiful and funny and strong and amazing and inspiring woman. . .and the world is blessed by her just being in it. . .and now it will have a chance to see that. . .
. . .did I mention I am proud. . .
. . .Cause I am. . . So very very. . .
Saturday, February 28, 2009
My adventures in: Nostalgia
I have been hit with so many random bouts of nostalgia lately. . .
. . .curious smells or sights or things that bring that warm sadness of moments that have passed and cannot be brought back. . .moments that although gone are not lost. . .moments that have become building blocks in my personality and my true self. . .
. . .Paul Harvey passed away. . .he is just another celebrity who will no longer grace the covers of magazines or do things that land him in the news. . .
But when I was a teenager. . .I worked in a little dry cleaner in Richfield, UT with a man named Kim Blackett. . .He was a funny, warm man and he let me work for him when I was 14. . . he was a good man. . . a really, really good man. Everyday while I was working. . .we would sit down for a minute and listen to Paul Harvey's "The Rest of the Story". It was a truely calm moment in my life. . .it was the eye of a storm I don't regret. . .the comfortable place after we left the storm in AZ and before I became a woman far to early. . .
I was so blessed to have that time. . .those moments. . .and I had forgotten how much I relished that bit of time just being a teenager. . .just living and breathing without fear or concern. . .when I slept through the night undisturbed and my biggest concern was who I was going to "go out" with. . . and who I was going to hang out with. . . and what my grades were. . .and I forgot how much Mr. Blackett and Mr. Harvey were a part of that. . . just two old guys telling me stories that I would rememeber later in my life when I just needed a little bit of "SOMETHING". . . a little bit of that calm. . .that peace. . .
Onto "Page. . .Two!" Mr. Harvey. . . Rest in Peace. . .and thank you. . .
. . .curious smells or sights or things that bring that warm sadness of moments that have passed and cannot be brought back. . .moments that although gone are not lost. . .moments that have become building blocks in my personality and my true self. . .
. . .Paul Harvey passed away. . .he is just another celebrity who will no longer grace the covers of magazines or do things that land him in the news. . .
But when I was a teenager. . .I worked in a little dry cleaner in Richfield, UT with a man named Kim Blackett. . .He was a funny, warm man and he let me work for him when I was 14. . . he was a good man. . . a really, really good man. Everyday while I was working. . .we would sit down for a minute and listen to Paul Harvey's "The Rest of the Story". It was a truely calm moment in my life. . .it was the eye of a storm I don't regret. . .the comfortable place after we left the storm in AZ and before I became a woman far to early. . .
I was so blessed to have that time. . .those moments. . .and I had forgotten how much I relished that bit of time just being a teenager. . .just living and breathing without fear or concern. . .when I slept through the night undisturbed and my biggest concern was who I was going to "go out" with. . . and who I was going to hang out with. . . and what my grades were. . .and I forgot how much Mr. Blackett and Mr. Harvey were a part of that. . . just two old guys telling me stories that I would rememeber later in my life when I just needed a little bit of "SOMETHING". . . a little bit of that calm. . .that peace. . .
Onto "Page. . .Two!" Mr. Harvey. . . Rest in Peace. . .and thank you. . .
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
My adventures in: Getting a Clue
Soooooo. If your heart tells you to do something. . . do it. It's smarter than your brain. . . your brain is just the back up. . . you know. . . there for support. . . like "The Muscles" (no it's not "The Brains" ha ha contrary to it's name).
I get to grow up today. . . I get to stop being a scardy cat and find myself. I get to listen. . . to that little voice. I get to feel humbled. . .and open. . .and I get to see my friends and family for the amazing, open, warm people that they are. I get to see someone I care about for their value as an amazing, brilliant person and not a stigma. I get to be happy because I choose to be. . . and not get lost in fear of people and their thoughts of me or those i love. . .
I get to trust. . .I get to trust myself. . .I get to trust him. . . and I get to have hope. I get to be alive. . . and I get to risk pain. . .I get to risk messing up. . .and i get to enjoy it with every fiber of my amazing being.
I get to be beautiful. . .I get to make someone smile at the thought of seeing me. . . I get to be stared at. . .I get to be noticed for my amazing spirt and my incredible brain. . . and i get to enjoy it unafraid. . .because I will not dissappoint. . .I am more than that. . .
I get to love my crazy brain. . . and accept that others can too. . .I get to find people who love me because of it. . .I get to be alive. . .I get to be unafraid. . .and i get to make mistakes.
But more than anything I get to choose incredible people that don't care that i make them. . .and will still tell me how many jewels I have on my pocket. . .
I get to grow up today. . . I get to stop being a scardy cat and find myself. I get to listen. . . to that little voice. I get to feel humbled. . .and open. . .and I get to see my friends and family for the amazing, open, warm people that they are. I get to see someone I care about for their value as an amazing, brilliant person and not a stigma. I get to be happy because I choose to be. . . and not get lost in fear of people and their thoughts of me or those i love. . .
I get to trust. . .I get to trust myself. . .I get to trust him. . . and I get to have hope. I get to be alive. . . and I get to risk pain. . .I get to risk messing up. . .and i get to enjoy it with every fiber of my amazing being.
I get to be beautiful. . .I get to make someone smile at the thought of seeing me. . . I get to be stared at. . .I get to be noticed for my amazing spirt and my incredible brain. . . and i get to enjoy it unafraid. . .because I will not dissappoint. . .I am more than that. . .
I get to love my crazy brain. . . and accept that others can too. . .I get to find people who love me because of it. . .I get to be alive. . .I get to be unafraid. . .and i get to make mistakes.
But more than anything I get to choose incredible people that don't care that i make them. . .and will still tell me how many jewels I have on my pocket. . .
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
When I was a kid. . .we didn't have "The Internet"
So. . .I am sitting here staring at my Twhirl. . . which feeds me my Twitter.com "Tweets" or messages, from all four accounts.
I am checking both Gmail accounts, My Facebook, my MySpace, my Linked In, updating my blog, and checking my Text messages on my phone.
Annnnnnd. . .I am wondering how I ever made it through high school with out these things. . . so this is a "remember when" blog. . . enjoy.
* When I was in elementary school, my mom would talk to my Aunt while cleaning the house. She accomplished this with a 100 ft phone cord.
*When I wanted to talk to an elementary school friend I walked to their house or waited till school the next day.
*When I got into Jr. High we got a CORDLESS PHONE *gasp* the thing was beautiful!! Seriously beautiful. AND you could take it 5 ft from the house and it still worked.
*Then came three-way calling. . .oh beautiful 3 way calling. . . it was awesome for talking to your TWO favorite people at the same time. . . or for tricking unsuspecting call recipients into saying things in front the third person. . .sitting silently on the line.
*In Jr. High, if I wanted to talk about someone. . . or find out if someone liked me...or my friend...or if someones friend liked someone elses friend. ... . .. we threw little pieces of paper over heads and behind the backs of teachers.
*If I didn't know where one of my friends were. . . I had to look. . . you know look around for them. . . like with my eyes. . .I know scary huh?
*In high school. . .if a boy called. . .and I wasn't there. . .my brothers or sister got to take a message. . . and tell me latter. . .rarely with any grace.
*If my mom didn't know where I was. . .she would call all my friends PARENTS and they would discuss the possibilities of our location. To much of this and she'd find out we'd told one parent one thing and another parent something else. . . and I was screwed.
*If my friends didn't answer their home phones and I wanted to hang out with them(thankfully I lived in a small town) I'd go wandering the city with other friends until we found them.
*Never once did an awkward photo of me end up on the internet. . . or spread through text messages like wild fire. . .
*While in High school, I got a computer for my birthday... it was 386...and it was BEAUTIFUL. . .I played Kings Quest and used Word Perfect. . .and I loved it. . . and I was spoiled cause my Step Dad had connections. . . no one else had a computer IN THEIR HOME! It was so cool.
And suddenly, I have the ability to speak to 55 people at onece on Twitter, update my entire family on any news through Facebook in a split second, text or call my kid to find out where she is, send an email to all my contacts, and all this in 6.5 seconds. . . Weird how things change. . .
I am checking both Gmail accounts, My Facebook, my MySpace, my Linked In, updating my blog, and checking my Text messages on my phone.
Annnnnnd. . .I am wondering how I ever made it through high school with out these things. . . so this is a "remember when" blog. . . enjoy.
* When I was in elementary school, my mom would talk to my Aunt while cleaning the house. She accomplished this with a 100 ft phone cord.
*When I wanted to talk to an elementary school friend I walked to their house or waited till school the next day.
*When I got into Jr. High we got a CORDLESS PHONE *gasp* the thing was beautiful!! Seriously beautiful. AND you could take it 5 ft from the house and it still worked.
*Then came three-way calling. . .oh beautiful 3 way calling. . . it was awesome for talking to your TWO favorite people at the same time. . . or for tricking unsuspecting call recipients into saying things in front the third person. . .sitting silently on the line.
*In Jr. High, if I wanted to talk about someone. . . or find out if someone liked me...or my friend...or if someones friend liked someone elses friend. ... . .. we threw little pieces of paper over heads and behind the backs of teachers.
*If I didn't know where one of my friends were. . . I had to look. . . you know look around for them. . . like with my eyes. . .I know scary huh?
*In high school. . .if a boy called. . .and I wasn't there. . .my brothers or sister got to take a message. . . and tell me latter. . .rarely with any grace.
*If my mom didn't know where I was. . .she would call all my friends PARENTS and they would discuss the possibilities of our location. To much of this and she'd find out we'd told one parent one thing and another parent something else. . . and I was screwed.
*If my friends didn't answer their home phones and I wanted to hang out with them(thankfully I lived in a small town) I'd go wandering the city with other friends until we found them.
*Never once did an awkward photo of me end up on the internet. . . or spread through text messages like wild fire. . .
*While in High school, I got a computer for my birthday... it was 386...and it was BEAUTIFUL. . .I played Kings Quest and used Word Perfect. . .and I loved it. . . and I was spoiled cause my Step Dad had connections. . . no one else had a computer IN THEIR HOME! It was so cool.
And suddenly, I have the ability to speak to 55 people at onece on Twitter, update my entire family on any news through Facebook in a split second, text or call my kid to find out where she is, send an email to all my contacts, and all this in 6.5 seconds. . . Weird how things change. . .
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
My adventures in: Parenting a 13 yr Old Girl
She's 13. . .yup. . .she's adorable and I love her.
I want to break the necks of her little friends. . .and the boy she broke up with. . .*sigh*
I am standing here watching my daughter go through some of the worst challenges she will face. . .being a teenager is HARD. Sorry to those of you who are saying"oh yeah, it has to be so hard. . . wait till she's an adult and has to take care of herself." Bull. . . Being a teenager, especially one just thrown into the world of Jr. High!. . .that's hard stuff. The girls are evil and the boys a idiots. . .you don't even understand yourself enough to decide what you know or like or love. . . you will swear you are in love a million times. . .you are worried about weight and hair and clothes and saying the right thing and doing the right thing and being the right thing. . .WHEW. . .
...Do it again. . .I dare you. I wouldn't. So how do you teach a girl to stand up for herself? How do you teach her that, as much as she FEELS like she should. . .going with the pack is usually a bad idea? How do you explain to her that you know her friends(or whatever we adults consider these brats) have NO IDEA what is best for her. . .that they have NO CLUE what an idiot choice drinking is. . .
There is one girl. . .this one little brat. . .that talks to my daughter and every time she does I wanna smack the girl in the back of the head for talking to my kid the way she does. . .is it normal to feel this much contempt over teenage girls?? She tells her that she is a chicken and that's ok. . .that's just part of her personality. She tells her she uses people as a human shield and that she should stand up for herself. . . but it's ok cause it's part of being"her age". . .
*Sigh*. . . and it's only just started. . .
Dear God,
Please help me be strong for the next 5 years. . . and for the 60 after that. . . my daughter deserves a mother that won't run her friends over with a car.
Amen
I want to break the necks of her little friends. . .and the boy she broke up with. . .*sigh*
I am standing here watching my daughter go through some of the worst challenges she will face. . .being a teenager is HARD. Sorry to those of you who are saying"oh yeah, it has to be so hard. . . wait till she's an adult and has to take care of herself." Bull. . . Being a teenager, especially one just thrown into the world of Jr. High!. . .that's hard stuff. The girls are evil and the boys a idiots. . .you don't even understand yourself enough to decide what you know or like or love. . . you will swear you are in love a million times. . .you are worried about weight and hair and clothes and saying the right thing and doing the right thing and being the right thing. . .WHEW. . .
...Do it again. . .I dare you. I wouldn't. So how do you teach a girl to stand up for herself? How do you teach her that, as much as she FEELS like she should. . .going with the pack is usually a bad idea? How do you explain to her that you know her friends(or whatever we adults consider these brats) have NO IDEA what is best for her. . .that they have NO CLUE what an idiot choice drinking is. . .
There is one girl. . .this one little brat. . .that talks to my daughter and every time she does I wanna smack the girl in the back of the head for talking to my kid the way she does. . .is it normal to feel this much contempt over teenage girls?? She tells her that she is a chicken and that's ok. . .that's just part of her personality. She tells her she uses people as a human shield and that she should stand up for herself. . . but it's ok cause it's part of being"her age". . .
*Sigh*. . . and it's only just started. . .
Dear God,
Please help me be strong for the next 5 years. . . and for the 60 after that. . . my daughter deserves a mother that won't run her friends over with a car.
Amen
Sunday, February 15, 2009
My adventures in: Getting Older
In one month and a few days(39 days) *sigh* I will be 30.
I thought I would be much more upset about this than I am. . .but I'm not. ACTUALLY. . .I am kinda excited. That's when all the good stuff happens. I will be free of the "20something's" I will be a real life, actual, honest to god woman. . .yeah, yeah. . .
But, I am feeling a real responsibility about it. Like once I join this group of adults, I will have to be more responsible and regal. I will have to never litter, never get tickets, not make dumb mistakes or forget to pay the power bill. I will have to be bothered by "kids these days", be the responsible mother that doesn't let her kids eat ice cream for breakfast, or dessert first. . .
. . . just so you know. . .I refuse.
If that somehow gets me kicked out of the "30something's" club, oh well. I aim to have a blast. I want to bring back sayings from my childhood, listen to music that is supposed to be obnoxious, go to the clubs and the movies, eat ice cream for breakfast WITH my kids. . .so on and so forth and such.
I was young...y o u n g... when I started this adulthood/parenting thing. I was scared and stupid and I made bad choices, but I stepped up and did it. . .bad choices and all. I didn't run...I didn't hide...I didn't dump it on my parents... I did it. I was different than the statistic, I was stronger than the average, and I think that earns me a pass. . .
During my 30's there will be some scary milestones in my life. . .some definite. . . some I am just sure of. . .but some of those things are as follows...
* I will watch two children get into a car for the first time on the STEERING WHEEL side and drive away. . .and I will think"Please God, protect that child. . .he/she is my only son/daughter...
*I will pack boxes for a girl who has become a woman so that she can go out into the world on her own. . .fighting college, drinking, friends, boyfriends, fear, and job interviews. . .and I will cry. . .like the first day of kindergarten.
* I will hide the boxes so the boy who has become a man (and won't stay my baby) can't make me cry like the girl who became a woman did. . .
*I will pull the boxes out of hiding because I will know it is time to let go. . .and I will cry even harder. . .
*I will live alone. . .at some point. . .for the first time in my life.
*I will get a midnight phone call from an upset teenager. . .who made the worst choice of his/her life. . .whatever that may be. . .and I will drive there feeling angry to pick them up. . .and leave there feeling blessed that they are mine. . .
* I will watch a boy. . .the most horrible boy in the world. . .love my daughter until he breaks her heart into a million pieces . . .I will have to call friends to come over and make sure I don't hunt him down in my car and "accidentally" run him over. . .twice. . . and I will do it all over again with my son and the most horrible girl in the world. . . .
* I will watch a girl. . .love my son until he breaks her heart into a million pieces. . .and I will have the talk with him about people and respect and what it really means to LOVE. . . and I will do it all over again with my daughter and her boy. . .
* I will hear the words "I am not your little girl/boy any more, Mom. . .I need to make this decision on my own" and MY heart will break into a million little pieces. . .and I will say the words"You will ALWAYS be my little girl/boy. . .even if you are 18/19/20. . ."
* I will say "this is my house and as long as you are under my roof, you follow my rules" and I will cringe. . .because one day long ago I swore I would never say it.
*I will buy/rent a dress/tux for the most beautiful/handsome child in the world to go to the most important dance of their lives. . .and I will pray...all night long... that the sex talk took. . .
* I will witness the graduation from high school of two of the most intelligent, amazing human beings on the face of this planet. . .and I will be so proud. . . and I will breath a sigh of relief. . .and I will send them into the world to make changes and lives. . . and I will cry. . .
*I will be amazing. . .I will make changes and decisions in my life that will make them proud. . .that will make ME proud. . .and I will be strong and incredible. . . and I will hear the words"Great job! that is one amazing Woman/Man you have raised there" . . . and I will cry. . .
I thought I would be much more upset about this than I am. . .but I'm not. ACTUALLY. . .I am kinda excited. That's when all the good stuff happens. I will be free of the "20something's" I will be a real life, actual, honest to god woman. . .yeah, yeah. . .
But, I am feeling a real responsibility about it. Like once I join this group of adults, I will have to be more responsible and regal. I will have to never litter, never get tickets, not make dumb mistakes or forget to pay the power bill. I will have to be bothered by "kids these days", be the responsible mother that doesn't let her kids eat ice cream for breakfast, or dessert first. . .
. . . just so you know. . .I refuse.
If that somehow gets me kicked out of the "30something's" club, oh well. I aim to have a blast. I want to bring back sayings from my childhood, listen to music that is supposed to be obnoxious, go to the clubs and the movies, eat ice cream for breakfast WITH my kids. . .so on and so forth and such.
I was young...y o u n g... when I started this adulthood/parenting thing. I was scared and stupid and I made bad choices, but I stepped up and did it. . .bad choices and all. I didn't run...I didn't hide...I didn't dump it on my parents... I did it. I was different than the statistic, I was stronger than the average, and I think that earns me a pass. . .
During my 30's there will be some scary milestones in my life. . .some definite. . . some I am just sure of. . .but some of those things are as follows...
* I will watch two children get into a car for the first time on the STEERING WHEEL side and drive away. . .and I will think"Please God, protect that child. . .he/she is my only son/daughter...
*I will pack boxes for a girl who has become a woman so that she can go out into the world on her own. . .fighting college, drinking, friends, boyfriends, fear, and job interviews. . .and I will cry. . .like the first day of kindergarten.
* I will hide the boxes so the boy who has become a man (and won't stay my baby) can't make me cry like the girl who became a woman did. . .
*I will pull the boxes out of hiding because I will know it is time to let go. . .and I will cry even harder. . .
*I will live alone. . .at some point. . .for the first time in my life.
*I will get a midnight phone call from an upset teenager. . .who made the worst choice of his/her life. . .whatever that may be. . .and I will drive there feeling angry to pick them up. . .and leave there feeling blessed that they are mine. . .
* I will watch a boy. . .the most horrible boy in the world. . .love my daughter until he breaks her heart into a million pieces . . .I will have to call friends to come over and make sure I don't hunt him down in my car and "accidentally" run him over. . .twice. . . and I will do it all over again with my son and the most horrible girl in the world. . . .
* I will watch a girl. . .love my son until he breaks her heart into a million pieces. . .and I will have the talk with him about people and respect and what it really means to LOVE. . . and I will do it all over again with my daughter and her boy. . .
* I will hear the words "I am not your little girl/boy any more, Mom. . .I need to make this decision on my own" and MY heart will break into a million little pieces. . .and I will say the words"You will ALWAYS be my little girl/boy. . .even if you are 18/19/20. . ."
* I will say "this is my house and as long as you are under my roof, you follow my rules" and I will cringe. . .because one day long ago I swore I would never say it.
*I will buy/rent a dress/tux for the most beautiful/handsome child in the world to go to the most important dance of their lives. . .and I will pray...all night long... that the sex talk took. . .
* I will witness the graduation from high school of two of the most intelligent, amazing human beings on the face of this planet. . .and I will be so proud. . . and I will breath a sigh of relief. . .and I will send them into the world to make changes and lives. . . and I will cry. . .
*I will be amazing. . .I will make changes and decisions in my life that will make them proud. . .that will make ME proud. . .and I will be strong and incredible. . . and I will hear the words"Great job! that is one amazing Woman/Man you have raised there" . . . and I will cry. . .
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Women are amazing. . .
(Men are too, but that's not this blog is it?)
I watched "Iron Jawed Angels" a while back. Really amazing movie. . .really "go woman" kinda movie. I won't make Nick or Chris or Ned watch it. . . but it was amazing. So. . .after the movie. . . I thought to myself "What have we done with it? What do we do with the freedoms we as Women have?" I decided to pay closer attention.
Today it really hit me. . .
whatever. . .we. . . want.
We are strong single mom's or we are good wives and mothers.
We stay home and raise kids or go out and raise businesses.
We fight wars. . .or fight to end them.
We get married. . .or stay single.
We are spiritual. . .or funny. . .or powerful. . .or kind. . .or bitchy. . .or all of the above.
I have gotten to listen to some really incredible woman talk randomly about their lives thanks to Twitter and Facebook and the internet. . .wow. . .
I am proud.
I watched "Iron Jawed Angels" a while back. Really amazing movie. . .really "go woman" kinda movie. I won't make Nick or Chris or Ned watch it. . . but it was amazing. So. . .after the movie. . . I thought to myself "What have we done with it? What do we do with the freedoms we as Women have?" I decided to pay closer attention.
Today it really hit me. . .
whatever. . .we. . . want.
We are strong single mom's or we are good wives and mothers.
We stay home and raise kids or go out and raise businesses.
We fight wars. . .or fight to end them.
We get married. . .or stay single.
We are spiritual. . .or funny. . .or powerful. . .or kind. . .or bitchy. . .or all of the above.
I have gotten to listen to some really incredible woman talk randomly about their lives thanks to Twitter and Facebook and the internet. . .wow. . .
I am proud.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Oldies but Goodies
I have. . . in my young life. . .come to know and love some incredible friends. Some have passed away, some have moved away, some have moved on never to return, some have moved on only to pop back in from time to time, and some have stuck around for the long haul. All. . .however. . .are amazing little pieces of my life. . .people who have taught me amazing things about life. . .and love. . .and sorrow. . .and beauty. I spent a bit of time with one who comes in and out of my life at the most amazing times. . .he was a part of a trade in to begin with (this is not a bad thing, it just means he was someone I met through someone else and our friendship lasted while the originating friendship did not). . .and i have adored him since the first days. . . He is a warm, funny, intelligent, and incredible artistic man.
He has. . .over the course of a few years. . .married and had the most beautiful child. . .and I inherited another amazing friend. She is a most amazing and brilliant and fierce woman. One of those girls who makes you want to be amazing. And she is stunning. . .and they are so perfectly matched. . .I am lucky to see people so happy.
We had a brief conversation about the original friend. . .I have not thought about her in soooo long and I realized. . . I don't miss her at all. I am not angry, or upset. . . I do not harbor any ill will. I. just. don't.miss.her. But I am grateful to her. I could tell you the funniest, most incredible, most spiritual, most amazing stories about my life with her in it. And I could tell you stories about how you do not have to be in love, to have your heart broken, you need only care about someone. . . even a friend. . .to know that pain. She was an incredible friend. . .she helped me through a difficult divorce and then she went away. and that is the end of the story.
It made me so grateful for the incredible ones who have stuck around for so long. Suzi, Stacy, Ian, Chris. . .and the amazing people they have brought with them. . .Ned, Tavish, Sara, Keith, Mollie. . .I am SO lucky. . .
And then I have this family. . .this incredible, brilliant, imperfect family full of people who make mistakes I love them inspite of. . .and who love me in spite of mine. . .My brilliant Children who know that even with my flaws and mistakes and the billions of detours down and back from the wrong way. . . .I LOVE them. . . .deeply. . . and madly. . .and think they are the most incredible thing I have ever been blessed with creating. My Mother. . .who has got to be one of the strongest fighters I have ever known. . .My father who taught me love and to keep childlike wonderment. . .and brothers and a sister who. . .despite flaws. . .make me laugh and smile everyday(even while we want to punch each other) My grandfather. . .a man with the most brilliant soul and heart you'd ever see on a man. . .who has been through SO much and come through whole and beautiful. And Aunts and Uncles who have loved me and my parents each so much. . .always. . .through tough tough times. . .and blessed me with cousins who have been a huge important part of my life. . .each in thier own times. . .but always with SUCH an impact. . .
And I realized that I have had amazing people just pop into my life for no reason. . . people I adore endlessly. . .random neighbors and co-workers who have wiggled into the depths of my heart and make me so happy. . . and. . .will likely be around for a good. . .long. . . amazing while. . .
. . .so. . .
. . .The next time I complain about my life. . .remind me to read this post.
Remind me. . .that no matter what . . .I am blessed to know some of the most incredible, brilliant, human souls on this planet. . .and that they love me. . .no matter what. . .because that is enough to make any girl beam. . .
*muah*. . .each of you. . .thanks ;)
He has. . .over the course of a few years. . .married and had the most beautiful child. . .and I inherited another amazing friend. She is a most amazing and brilliant and fierce woman. One of those girls who makes you want to be amazing. And she is stunning. . .and they are so perfectly matched. . .I am lucky to see people so happy.
We had a brief conversation about the original friend. . .I have not thought about her in soooo long and I realized. . . I don't miss her at all. I am not angry, or upset. . . I do not harbor any ill will. I. just. don't.miss.her. But I am grateful to her. I could tell you the funniest, most incredible, most spiritual, most amazing stories about my life with her in it. And I could tell you stories about how you do not have to be in love, to have your heart broken, you need only care about someone. . . even a friend. . .to know that pain. She was an incredible friend. . .she helped me through a difficult divorce and then she went away. and that is the end of the story.
It made me so grateful for the incredible ones who have stuck around for so long. Suzi, Stacy, Ian, Chris. . .and the amazing people they have brought with them. . .Ned, Tavish, Sara, Keith, Mollie. . .I am SO lucky. . .
And then I have this family. . .this incredible, brilliant, imperfect family full of people who make mistakes I love them inspite of. . .and who love me in spite of mine. . .My brilliant Children who know that even with my flaws and mistakes and the billions of detours down and back from the wrong way. . . .I LOVE them. . . .deeply. . . and madly. . .and think they are the most incredible thing I have ever been blessed with creating. My Mother. . .who has got to be one of the strongest fighters I have ever known. . .My father who taught me love and to keep childlike wonderment. . .and brothers and a sister who. . .despite flaws. . .make me laugh and smile everyday(even while we want to punch each other) My grandfather. . .a man with the most brilliant soul and heart you'd ever see on a man. . .who has been through SO much and come through whole and beautiful. And Aunts and Uncles who have loved me and my parents each so much. . .always. . .through tough tough times. . .and blessed me with cousins who have been a huge important part of my life. . .each in thier own times. . .but always with SUCH an impact. . .
And I realized that I have had amazing people just pop into my life for no reason. . . people I adore endlessly. . .random neighbors and co-workers who have wiggled into the depths of my heart and make me so happy. . . and. . .will likely be around for a good. . .long. . . amazing while. . .
. . .so. . .
. . .The next time I complain about my life. . .remind me to read this post.
Remind me. . .that no matter what . . .I am blessed to know some of the most incredible, brilliant, human souls on this planet. . .and that they love me. . .no matter what. . .because that is enough to make any girl beam. . .
*muah*. . .each of you. . .thanks ;)
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Me First (2 posts 1 day. . .)
(. . .get over it ha ha)
Nick bought Whoppers-The original Malted Milk Balls :). . .
(. . . Thank God. . . cause I really need a good dose of chocolate.)
Point is, I forgot how delicious they are. It gave me one of those nostalgic "When I was Kid" moments. My Mom used to buy Whoppers, and Taco Bell, and Grapefruit DietRite soda. . .and my life was tough, but I was so HAPPY. Not all the time, but in general. So, if a kid who had a tough life could be so happy. . .even with all the things that were out of her control. . . why can't the adult?
And I answered my own question. Very shortly after asking it as a matter of fact. Because. . .I choose not to.
. . .So I choose to. I am happy. I will be happy. Cause I really am so lucky to have what I have and to have survived in one piece what I have survived in one piece. And to have Whoppers, and an AMAZING, Beautiful, Funny, Strong, Crazy, Pain in the Ass Mother. . .who I am so much like. . . who bought them when I was a kid so I could remember those moments now while eating them.
I am chasing life so much. . . running after it. . . trying to get and do things. . .and I am missing the scenery. I have a business right now that can support the people involved with a few customers a month. I am going to stop chasing my tail and do things that make me happy. . . or rather. . .lend to my happiness. I will not be angry. I will not get upset about stupid little things. I will clean up my house each day because I am so lucky to have one. . .and no matter how much of a rush you are in. . .I will do what I can for you after I have done what I can for ME.
Understand that ME includes my children. I put them first because they are a part of me and who I am. But as I have said before, I must secure my oxygen mask first so that I am alive to help them. So. . .here goes. . .again I am sure. . . but still. I will keep doing it till I get it right. . . cause I will. I really am that smart. . .and amazing.
Nick bought Whoppers-The original Malted Milk Balls :). . .
(. . . Thank God. . . cause I really need a good dose of chocolate.)
Point is, I forgot how delicious they are. It gave me one of those nostalgic "When I was Kid" moments. My Mom used to buy Whoppers, and Taco Bell, and Grapefruit DietRite soda. . .and my life was tough, but I was so HAPPY. Not all the time, but in general. So, if a kid who had a tough life could be so happy. . .even with all the things that were out of her control. . . why can't the adult?
And I answered my own question. Very shortly after asking it as a matter of fact. Because. . .I choose not to.
. . .So I choose to. I am happy. I will be happy. Cause I really am so lucky to have what I have and to have survived in one piece what I have survived in one piece. And to have Whoppers, and an AMAZING, Beautiful, Funny, Strong, Crazy, Pain in the Ass Mother. . .who I am so much like. . . who bought them when I was a kid so I could remember those moments now while eating them.
I am chasing life so much. . . running after it. . . trying to get and do things. . .and I am missing the scenery. I have a business right now that can support the people involved with a few customers a month. I am going to stop chasing my tail and do things that make me happy. . . or rather. . .lend to my happiness. I will not be angry. I will not get upset about stupid little things. I will clean up my house each day because I am so lucky to have one. . .and no matter how much of a rush you are in. . .I will do what I can for you after I have done what I can for ME.
Understand that ME includes my children. I put them first because they are a part of me and who I am. But as I have said before, I must secure my oxygen mask first so that I am alive to help them. So. . .here goes. . .again I am sure. . . but still. I will keep doing it till I get it right. . . cause I will. I really am that smart. . .and amazing.
Getting Started
Hello.
I am a woman
I am a single mother of two
I am an entrepreneur
Sometimes I am good at it and sometimes I am not
I have friends, some of them know each other. . . some don't. . . but they are all crazy
I would like to save the world. . .one little project at a time
I am always waist deep in a dozen projects
I am artsy
I am sometimes bitchy
I am (always) funny. . . this has yet to be officially corroborated
I am pretty sure I am crazy
I know I am different
I am happy. . .most of the time. . .when I am not, you'll know
and I love to write. . .a lot. . .
although my english and grammar are not what they used to be. . . this oughta fix that right up
So welcome to My Adventures In Everything. . . may you be entertained!
I am a woman
I am a single mother of two
I am an entrepreneur
Sometimes I am good at it and sometimes I am not
I have friends, some of them know each other. . . some don't. . . but they are all crazy
I would like to save the world. . .one little project at a time
I am always waist deep in a dozen projects
I am artsy
I am sometimes bitchy
I am (always) funny. . . this has yet to be officially corroborated
I am pretty sure I am crazy
I know I am different
I am happy. . .most of the time. . .when I am not, you'll know
and I love to write. . .a lot. . .
although my english and grammar are not what they used to be. . . this oughta fix that right up
So welcome to My Adventures In Everything. . . may you be entertained!
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